Chasing Toilet Paper

“My love is like to toilet paper
No doubt there is much to unroll,
but I fear it is flimsy,
Falling apart in ones hands.”
-Brian Jones

In the morning, I realized that we were out of toilet paper. (I won’t go into why we were out of toilet paper, but it may have to do with my offspring’s habit of dropping whole rolls into the toilet bowl).

So Hope and I decided to take a walk to the store to buy some more TP.

“Let’s use your stroller,” I said to Hope grabbing the smallest stroller we have.

That was Mistake #1.

After our hike up to the store I loaded Hope into the shopping cart. I folded our little umbrella stroller and put it in the cart as well.

After some deliberation, we got our toilet paper. I decided to go with Scott Toilet Tissue because… well… sometimes a girl just needs her TP to be lint-free. (Some of you know what I mean.)

That was Mistake #2.

We walked out of the store, and as I was reassembling the stroller, it dawned on me that I had a bulky 20-roll pack of Scott 1000 tissue to lug home along with two boxes of Mike and Ike’s candy! Dumb. Dumb and dumber.

And upon realization of the situation, my first silly thought was: Oh no! Now people are going to know that we buy cheap toilet paper!

“Uh… Hope baby. I know! How about we push the toilet paper in the stroller (if I can get it to fit)? Wanna push?”

“O.K.!”

I knew it was going to be a looooong walk home – down busy streets, over the railroad tracks, across a crosswalk. As we trudged home, Hope, who was really too short to reach the stroller handles, would happily “dump” our 20-pack of TP at the most inconvenient times. At one point she got tired of walking and declared that it was time for her to “sit down.” I knew that she was going to get tired, but I was hoping we would be closer to home at that point. Not the case.

So I put her in the stroller and tried to hold the TP pack (and my Mike and Ike’s) with one hand against my hip while steering the stroller with the other hand. This was not an easy task on a narrow sidewalk.

As we lumbered along I realized that the flimsy plastic packaging of my 20 rolls of TP was ripping. Perhaps because it was cheap, perhaps because it had already been dumped by Hope a number of times, but suddenly the packaging gave way and rolls of toilet paper rolled out into the busy street in a bunch of different directions.

I had a vision of Rhema merrily chasing a TP roll into the street, only to rip it into shreds and toss the paper fragments into the air with a “Wheee!”

But thankfully, she was at school.

And thankfully, each individual roll was wrapped in its own paper. I chased rolls (and cars dodged them), as I tried gathering bunches in my arms. I was sweating in the beaming sun, hot with embarrassment, and I desperately had to “go potty.”

Hope, still in her stroller, thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious. She squealed and giggled as I would pick up a roll, and it would fall out of my arms.

“Mommy so funnnnyyy!!!”

I managed to collect a few rolls in my arms, but I couldn’t carry the toilet paper and push the stroller. So finally I piled as many rolls as I could on the sidewalk and left them there. When Hope and I made it home, we jumped in the van and drove back to where I had left my monument of toilet paper.

Later when I got home I noticed the slogan for Scott toilet tissue:

Common sense that rolls.

Yeah, right.

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11 thoughts on “Chasing Toilet Paper

  1. Came across your story. That was so funny sorry to say that but me and my husband laughed. I have a friend with an autistic child and we have had our eldest checked out for it because he has some real funny ways. I just think half the time the things they do are so funny and makes up for everything else. I am just glad you got your toilet paper home.

  2. That just cracks me up! I did something similar the other day except it was a HEAVY box of wipes (Pampers 7 pack) and I just brought the stroller. My kid doesn’t walk far before we get the “stop, flop, drop” so I was trying to push her with one hand and carry the bulky box in the other. But at least I didn’t have to go too far!

    Oh and we use Scott 1000, too, but only because we have a septic tank that doesn’t like two-ply. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. LOL.

  3. The important thing is that you held on to the Mike and Ike’s (didn’t you?!)!

    I have to say, that is a laugh-out-loud story, and I did laugh (out loud!) as I was reading it.

    Thanks for sharing it with us! :-D

    PS-Thanks, too, for taking the time to visit Katy’s blog. She was so delighted to have some “real” comments!

  4. This is so FUNNY! Don’t you love it when other people laugh at your pain?! (Happens to me all the time) HAHA. Thanks for the boost this story gave me today! :)

  5. Poo art, toilet paper monuments, it’s all the creative impulse in your family just crying to be set free, right?

    Thanks for turning your frustrating morning into a great big share-able giggle!

  6. Oh no! Sorry that happened but glad ya’ll made it hope with everything (sort of) intact.

    You have received a blog award! Head over to my blog to check it out :)

  7. I know you did not think this was funny at the time, probably not even laughing on the inside “where it counts”. I hope you were thinking – “at least I’ll have something to blog about!” When I was in college we had an adage “laugh at your own risk – - – you will be next” I’ll have to take my chance – the image of you chasing those rolls and the TP monument on the side of the road were just too funny.

    Thanks for sharing and for the chuckle :0)

  8. SORRY and at the same time ha..haa…haa..heee……heeeeeee……… (sorry again but i cant help this)………….
    and btw nice slogan- common sense that rolls…… yes indeed. :)

    riya paul.

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