Wheels On The Bus

My dear bloggy pal over at Diary of a Mom writes about the precious bedtime ritual between her and her daughter. Rhema and I also have a bedtime routine that is such a wonderful time of togetherness that I look forward to it every day. It’s our time to truly connect without distraction or interruption. If I have to be out late at night, when I get home I am always hopeful that she’s still awake. I find her in her top bunk bed, waiting for me, for us.

It goes like this:

I crawl up into her bed – all 30 plus years of me, and sit her in my lap.

We beam at each other.

“Wheels on the Bus?” I ask.

She lifts my arms, and I begin to sing the Wheels on the Bus song. We do all of the hand motions. She loves it! She tilts her head back, squeezes her eyes shut, and grins hard. Her favorite part is when the baby on the bus goes wah, wah, wah! 

We’ve been doing the Wheels on the Bus song together since she was 1 year old. After three years of singing it nearly everyday, Rhema will now occasionally provide the Beep, Beep, Beep when the horn on the bus goes Beep, Beep, Beep. We’ve added a verse on the end in which I sing and sign “And Mommy says to Rhema, I love you, I love you, I love you. All through the town.”

After our song is done, Rhema lies down, and I lean over her and let her mess up my hair. She loves to flap strands of my hair across her face. She tickles her forehead, her nose, and her cheeks with my hair.

Gazing into her beautiful, brown eyes, I bask in her attention. 

Then she will suddenly try and gouge my eyes out with her fingers. This is fine because as she is going after my eyeballs, she will quietly announce,

“Eyes.”

Next she sticks a finger up each of my nostrils. I’m careful not to move for fear of permanent damage. And then she says,

“Nnnose.”

She touches my lips.

“Mauwf.”

Then her little hands cover my ears and she whispers triumphantly,

“Eee-ers.”

“Yah, Rhema!” I say and put her hands on my hair, and I say, “Hair.”

She has not said hair yet, but I know one day it will come. She only recently began naming the aforementioned parts of the face, and she only does so on me and… uh… Mr. Potato Head.

Then I will recite the same Bible verse to her, touching her lips with my finger every time I say the word ‘mouth’, and drawing an imaginary heart on her chest every time I say the word ‘heart.’

Rhema, The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is LORD”, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

A kiss, A “night, night”, and an “I love you” from me and I am out the door, with a soaring heart, Medussa-like hair, hurting eyeballs and a picked-clean nose.
———–

Today was not a good day for us. So awful in fact that I cannot bear to go into the details, except to say that after one day on the new anti-seizure med, the Keppra Monster turned her into a raging, thrashing, screaming, self-injurious child.

It was a long, frightening, disheartening night for me alone with the kids. By the end of the evening, I felt desperate and undone. Oh God, where is my little girl? Beneath the bastille of the medication, the autism, the sensory overload, the frustration, the confusion, where is my little girl??

I heaved a flailing, brainsick child into her top bunk. Clearly there would be no bedtime routine tonight.

I was ready to flee just when her hand grabbed mine. I turned back in surprise. She was quiet. For the first time all day she was quiet.

In that moment, I imagined what her voice would sound like. I am honestly not sure I know – or remember – what her voice sounds like because she so rarely speaks. And when she does speak, it’s usually a whisper or a mimic – someone else’s voice. But as she held my hand, in my head, I heard her say ever so softly,

“Come on, Mommy. It’s o.k. Climb up. Let’s sing our song.”

My Rhema.

I brushed one small teardrop from my face.

Climbed up into her bed.

And sang our song.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Wheels On The Bus

  1. i’m so glad you have your own verse .. it always chapped me that the mommies say ‘shh shh shh’ in that song .. especially when the daddies say ‘i love you’ .. what kinda hooey is that?

    no matter how much turmoil there may be, rhema knows that mama will be there, mama will sing to her, mama will laugh with her, mama will offer up her face for intrepid exploration, mama will FIND HER – under the medication, the autism, the frustration, the confusion, mama will always find her.

    keep singing, mama. keep singing.

    xoxo

  2. Lovely. Mine each have a different ‘routine’ which all in all certainly takes quite a bit of time [you know those days when I’m feeling less patient!]

    Last night = one of mine said ‘make it quick!’ Sure told me.
    Best wishes

  3. Greetings – thanks for “finding” me at Elvis Sightings & introducing yourself. I agree, our girls do seem to have a lot in common. Your bedtime routine is so beautiful, so touching. And you & Rhema will definitely be in my prayers with her seizure meds transition. Keppra is one that we’ve not had to try yet…

  4. Your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. How precious and perfect that the Lord chose you to be Rhema’s mother … and chose her to be your daughter.

    Love, Grace, and Peace in Christ,
    Kathryn
    Psalm 36:7

  5. Hi. I stumbled over from JoyMama’s site…this was lovely. My son, who is also autistic and has seizures, couldn’t handle the Keppra at all. We tried it for three days before we called the doctor to tell him we were stopping it and find something else!

    Good luck in finding the right med(s) and keep on singing!

  6. Thanks for visiting my blog, glad I found yours! What a precious bedtime routine! That is just so sweet 🙂

    My youngest is not very verbal but he is starting to enjoy singing, we’ll hear a little tune hear and there and if you listen for a minute, even though we can’t really make out the words, we can usually figure out the song by the tune. He gets a big smile on his face when I sing his favorite songs (which is amazing b/c I sing soo bad, lol).

  7. Thanks for visiting my blog and for your prayers.

    Thank you, also, for sharing this beautiful post. Those amazing moments of connection keep us all going, don’t they?

    I hope the medication issue gets sorted out quickly…

    xo
    k

  8. Pingback: my village « diary of a mom

  9. Pingback: Waiting For Rhema « Autism In a Word

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s