unedited

written a couple years ago, still true today

 

God, I really want to know what you have to say about autism.

Can’t communicate
Can’t relate
Learns differently, “hard to teach”
Seizures in the brain, gut issues
When is she hurting?
Wish everyone knew what this was like
for a day, for a night
So hard to be here
Sensory sensitivities
Out of order
Alone, cannot share
Pain
Torment, stim, stim, stim
Behaviors
Frustration
How do I let it go God
How do I be at peace
What do I do with this hope, and facing reality, and all the days ahead
Can’t help but be sad for the things I’ve missed with her
But I still believe
in the middle of the night
I’m so tired
I’m so thankful
I have you
I have her
Speak to my heart
Give me the Word that will bring new life

Lord, will I get a miracle like that?

And then she smiles…

I know I already have it.

Have to keep believing there is something amazing. And it will be You, all You.

That’s the one thing I know for sure.

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16 thoughts on “unedited

  1. Praying the same prayer. Everyday. Every moment.
    Thank you for putting it into words so beautifully.
    May God continue to bless you now and always.

  2. hugs and hugs darling
    So proud of you for keeping your faith strong
    I used to wonder why good people suffer so
    One mum whose blog is titled “Bring the rain” shared the song – with these lyrics

    BRING THE RAIN

    I can count a million times
    People asking me how I
    Can praise You with all that
    I’ve gone through
    The question just amazes me
    Can circumstances possibly
    Change who I forever am in You

    Maybe since my life was changed
    Long before these rainy days
    It’s never really ever crossed my mind
    To turn my back on you, oh Lord
    My only shelter from the storm
    But instead I draw closer through these times
    So I pray

    Bring me joy, bring me peace
    Bring the chance to be free
    Bring me anything that brings
    You glory And I know there’ll
    be days When this life brings me pain
    But if that’s what it takes to
    praise You Jesus, bring the rain

    I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
    loom above because you are much greater than
    my pain you who made a way for me suffering
    your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

    • k,

      i love that song! in fact, i have it linked in the playlist on my sidebar. i have not listened to it in ages, though, and i really needed to read the words you typed. THANK YOU.

  3. I ask the same questions, why? why? why? Then the answer comes, the same as always. “Because Christine I love you.” I wish I knew what this answer meant, but I know someday I will.

  4. My heart. My heart hears your words. Feels your pains. Understands the not knowing that tears you apart, as it does me.

    I haven’t found my peace. I thought I had, but I haven’t.

    I want answers still. I want a change. I want my boy. I don’t know why this has to happen to him, it’s so hard. Too hard. We’ve been doing this so long and it’s getting harder, not easier.

    I wish I had your strength.

  5. My heart goes out to you. Stand on knowing that whatever God does or will do will be wonderful and miraculous. I pray your strength as you shower in God’s grace each day because His grace is sufficient.

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