Lost, Found

It is love that asks, that seeks, that knocks, that finds,
And that is faithful to what it finds
-St. Augustine

 

It’s common to hear some parents of children newly diagnosed with autism to say, “We had a bright-eyed, engaged little boy and then we lost him.”

There’s debate and controversy around the subject.

I don’t know exactly what happened. Or how it happened or why it happened.

But at one point we had this:

And then suddenly, one day, we had this:

For whatever reason she retreated into her own world, and every day since then we’ve been working to draw her back into ours. You could say we’ve been trying to “find” her behind the walls of autism. There have been moments when we’ve discovered parts of her we never knew (or forgot) existed. And each discovery is thrilling and addicting – we want more and more. She is pursued in earnest; this seeking to know more of her a daily aim.

I was “lost”, too. Gone was the self-confident, capable, make-it-happen version of myself. I had no ability to make my daughter speak or eat or even sleep. Angry. Bitter. Helpless. Unable to concentrate. My faith shaken. Going through the motions. For a year. Disappointed in a God who should know better than to do this to me. As we searched for Rhema, I wondered where I was… and where the heck God was.

Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret. (Anybody remember that book? Am I dating myself?)

Where are You in all of this?

Turns out it’s a good question. Even Job said, “O that I knew where I might find Him!” (Job 23:3)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD… Jer 29:11-14

I still have my questions, some of which I may never get answers to in this life. But what I know, what I’ve found so far, is this:

There is a God who loves you with an everlasting love. It’s a love that goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell. This God takes you, lost, broken and flawed and finds you worth it. He delights in you greatly, rejoices over you with singing. He is called Faithful and True for he takes the guilt, shame and sorrow and overcomes it on the Cross, and pronounces you free.

In all your looking, He says, look for me with all your heart. I will be found by you.

A most important search.

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15 thoughts on “Lost, Found

  1. I can relate to your post way more than I would want to. The disappointment in God, the questioning, the confusion, and all the rest sounds painfully familiar. And I can’t get away from Job and Jeremiah. They keep stalking me. Thank you for this post.

  2. I don’t personally believe there should be any debate. Vaccine damage in more and more children is so obvious that it is a shame parents keep having to fight clueless doctors and old style ABA thinkers about this subject. Seizures, G/I problems, health issues, cognitive devastation—it’s all there. Does Rhema see a good DAN doctor?

    • Hi Beth,
      Yes, we’ve done the DAN protocol with Dr. Kenneth Bock in NY. It’s been very helpful for her GI issues and overall health – we know she feels so much better.

  3. Also, have you ever connected with Angela Warner? She is also a military wife and is very knowledgable about biomed and is such a great advocate. Here is her blog:

    http://www.autismsalutes.com/

    There is so much that CAN be done for our kids from a biomed standpoint. It’s a long and exhausting path but so worth it in the end.

  4. It saddens me so much when I read stories of regression. I can’t relate to that, Charlotte’s development was always off from the get-go. However, I can relate to the questioning and the wondering where God is, not so much for myself, but for for all the suffering in the world. I try not to dwell on it too much as I will never find those answers.

  5. It’s up and down for them and it’s up and down for us, too. I looked back at that photo of Rhema almost a year ago … and wanted to keep looking at her. We have the same photos: photos when Jack’s not there and infrequently photos when he’s fully there, still, smiling, even laughing. Know she is there. And she will find you. Know you are both in our prayers.

  6. i remember that book title! and don’t mind dating myself:) another good post…the “lost” concept is on my mind just this week, so many meanings, reid being lost but knowing where he is…losing our identities…and yet always being found by that Amazing Grace

  7. I love your post… so much truth on so many levels.

    And by the way, when I try to email you, it comes back as “this user doesn’t have a yahoo account.” Help?

  8. Thank you for this post!

    We have those same pictures. It is chilling.

    (Yes, I remember that Judy Blume book, too!)

    But, thank you mostly for sharing your faith. That is beautiful. Jeremiah 29 continues to play in my mind every day — thanks for sharing the verses beyond 11, I had forgotten about them.

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