~scribbled in my journal hours before giving brith to Rhema
Zero. My sisters and I, we believe eggplant parmesan to be the secret inducer. I eat a lot if it the Friday night, 2 weeks before your due date, because I want you out. To seal the deal I run a couple laps the next day, engorge on eggplant pizza and pineapple. I go into labor that night. (I’ve always been trying to get you to do things on my timetable, even your birth. Was I ever in for a rude awakening!)
The doctor goes in and digs you out. Ouch. A Red Cross message makes its way to Saddam Hussein’s hometown: She’s here. Your Daddy becomes a Daddy in a war zone.
You have hair on your ears! Your skin is cracked red, a nurse comments that you’re “overcooked.” Spiky black hair, puffy face, grey eyes. My mother and sisters cry and say you’re beautiful.
It’s quiet that night, after everyone leaves. I lay you in my hospital bed, film you with the video camera, just lying there for hours. You are actually kind of cute. “It’s you and me, girl. Just you and me.” I doze for a few minutes and wake up to an indescribable, undying love I’ve never known. The baby Sumo wrestler with the bad hairstyle has made off with my heart and changed me forever.
You are amazing, God.
You grow, and my love grows faster. You fill my life, you are my life. Every little thing you do makes my soul smile. Really? You’re mine? I can’t believe God gave you to me.
I have a recurring dream. We are sleeping. You’re on the edge of the bed. You’re falling. Night after night I wake, my empty hands reaching for you, grabbing, clawing.
Something is not right.
Your eyes.
Baby girl, am I losing you?
Strangers come into my home, observe you, test you. They ask so many questions. I already know the answer. To say it out loud seems like betrayal. This isn’t a disease that attacks your body, this is a disorder that seems to make a charge against your essence, your intellect, your very personhood. To say it out loud seems like failure and I’m mad because I took folic acid and pre-natal vitamins and breastfed and crocheted a baby blanket.
The autism diagnosis comes from two different doctors, in case there’s any doubt. Your little sister is already growing inside me.
More diagnoses. A seizure disorder. A feeding disorder.
It will be more difficult than we can ever imagine.
Still You are amazing, God.
35 hrs/wk of Early Intervention at home. And Marlena and Lesley who, day after day, draw you out of your world, make you laugh and learn and play. All the difference in the world they make for us and you cannot tell them, but I know loved you them.
We find a special school for you, but it’s far away. You, my three-year old in 2T clothes spend two hours on a bus every day to go to school. I miss you.
Still You are amazing, God.
You do stints in the hospital. You endure countless meds and med changes, bad EEGs, then good EEGs, then bad again. You go through lead poisoning, and your father gone to war again.
You go to school closer to home. Your teachers are angels and miracle workers.
You learn to want to be with us, to communicate through PECs, to use scissors, to potty, to zip and button, to look at us, to trace your name, to ride a bike, to identify your family, to understand and say small-big words, to sit in church (sometimes), to say your verse.
You are amazing, God!
Happy Birthday, my girl. Seven. Said to be a number representing perfection, something that is full, complete. I see you, Rhema, and you are. Full. Of love, joy, contentment, determination, surprises, wonder, gratitude, excitement. I still can’t believe God gave you to me. And I do adore your essence, your intellect, your personhood, I love who you are.
He gives words to your heart, and He speaks through you, and I am speechless.
No matter how hard the day, you are my sweet dream.
I awake forever loving you.
.
Thank you, thank you, oh thank you my Lord for giving her to us.
Happy 7th birthday beautiful Rhema!! You are loved!!
Happy 7th birthday, Rhema! The love here has tears welling in my eyes….
“I wake forever loving you” Perfect. Happy Birthday sweet Rhema and to you too mama.
Beautiful! Happy Birthday, Rhema! You are so very special!
Oh what a beautiful and loving birthday message to your glorious girl! Happy, happy birthday, Rhema. And happy celebration of the gifts she brings to your life, Jeneil. Love.
Happy 7th Birthday, Beautiful Sweet Rhema and to your Mahi Mahi.
Happy Birthday to the beautiful Rhema and to the amazing Mahi Mahi who brought you into this world.
Thank you for sharing her with us through your beautiful words. Happy Birthday, Rhema!
You are as amazing as your beautiful babes! This was beautiful, J.
Happy 7th birthday to your sweet angel!
You are as amazing as your beautiful babes! This was beautiful, J.
Happy 7th birthday to your sweet angel!
One of the best bday posts ever.
Happy, Happy, Happy 7th birthday, sweet Rhema!
Lots of love and birthday wishes from the Norbury crew!! We love you Rhema!!
Blessings for your birthday, sweet Rhema, and blessings forever.
God has done marvellous things. God is doing marvellous things.
Happy birthday, Rhema!
Happy Birthday, Rhema! What an amazing post. I am crying and have goosebumps. Just beautiful!
Happy Birthday to the wonderful girl who made you her mother. You were meant for each other.
Happy Birthday Rhema!!!
Happy Birthday Sweet Rhema! You are a divine miracle, perfectly and wonderfully made, and have been since before your grand entrance! You are such a patient teacher of lessons we never even realize we needed to know.
Happy Birthday to amazing and beautiful Rhema!
I love this post – so much I can identify with, including the recurring dream of Nigel falling off the edge of the bed, and I would wake frantically searching for him. Such a strange thing to have in common, but then, not so strange at all.
Lots of love to all of you!
Happy Birthday, Sweet Rhema!
Happy Birthday Rhema!
Wonderful!
🙂
I hope little R had a wonderful day. Happy Birthday to her. I remember being so proud when I turned 7 because before that age, I had a school reader called “Seven is Magic”, and so I waited eagerly to be 7.
Happy Birthday Rhema!!!! May God bless you and your family abundantly in this new year. 🙂
Happy Birthday Rhema!!!! May God bless you and your family abundantly this new year of your life. 🙂
Happy birthday.
I had dreams like that as well. So here I am crying on the other side of the Atlantic.
So beautiful. Happy Birthday dear Rhema.
Thank you, God, for sharing Rhema and J with us here on the internet.
Happy birthday, Rhema!
oh how you make me cry
Happy birthday Rhema and thank you god for the gift of knowing the both of u
beautiful prose, my friend. i’ve never seen such a likeness in an ultrasound; Bless you this 7th year Rhema.
So beautiful! I hope Rhema had a wonderful birthday 🙂
I haven’t stopped by in a while and have been catching up the last couple of days. I’m so glad I did, as your words are touching me more than ever.
This post is especially beautiful.
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