The real dose of hope

“Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?”

I glance in the rear view mirror. There are three cars in line behind me.

Uh, well. See, my little girl has been having these horribly violent meltdowns for the past few weeks. Every day. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I don’t know exactly what happened. Like why? She’s just not herself, and it’s impacting our ability to complete simple tasks or leave the house.

So I called her doctor, and after days of thinking it over, well, here we are holding up the drive-through line.

Yes, she’s been on all sorts of anti-epileptic meds. And ok, once, she ate a birth control pill… I guess you could say she was protected that day. Ha!

But she’s never taken such a strong change-the-effects-of-the-chemicals-in-your-brain drug. You know?

And the side effects. Significant weight gain? My friend’s son gained 16 lbs in the first month on this medication. Ugh. Constipation? Insomnia? Well, we’ve already got those problems. Impaired thinking and reactions? Lord knows we don’t need that. If she’s experiences other side effects, how am I to know? She cannot tell me if something hurts or feels weird. She has a seizure disorder, you know, so we have to be very careful with a new med.

Can you tell I’m a bit scared?

It is gut-wrenching to watch your child struggle and fight and hurt, and realize that you’re helpless and it’s all out of control. Really, there are no words. As I said, she’s totally not herself right now. Will this drug make her even more not herself? I need her moods to stabilize, yes, but I don’t want to dull her personality or lose her sweet spunk.

I know you don’t have the answers, but since you asked… really what I want to know is…

Am I doing the right thing? Is the stuff in this little bottle going to give me my girl back??

“Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?”

The woman at the window asks again, waiting.

“Um… no. Thanks.”

I reach for the bag. 


Rhema has been on this new medication for a week now. So far she hasn’t grown horns or changed colors or anything. Thankfully, the tantrums and aggressions have decreased, but she still struggles a LOT each day. Once again I’m reminded not to pin my hopes on a drug, but only on the One who made her and knows her down to the number of hairs on her head. She is not a mystery to Him. So we’ll keep taking our prescriptions of hope to Him for filling, praying that He guides us and holds us through these days.


*Photo credit:


15 thoughts on “The real dose of hope

  1. “Prescriptions of hope” … what a lovely concept 🙂 Each time my hope wanes I feel so disappointed… seeing it in this light just puts a new perspective on it, so, thank you for that xx

  2. The “how am I to know?” about side-effects really resonates over here. And so does the “prescriptions of hope.” I’m glad to hear that things are at least somewhat improved this past week. Hugs to sweet Rhema and her Mahi!

  3. Speaking as someone who is on a very similar drug to the one Rhema takes, for the exact same reason (violent meltdowns)… well, it slows me down. I can stop and think of how to respond, stop and find my words, stop and BREATHE, before I melt.


    But really, the meltdowns aren’t nearly so violent, not at all.

  4. Oh….I am so sorry. Just so sorry. There may be miles between you and the people who read your blog. There may be oceans between you and the people who read your blog. But know that these people hold you. They circle around you, Rhema, Hope, and your husband. There is a circle and it is strong. When you share it is like a magnet pulling more people to your ever widening cirlce. They are drawn into help and to hold. By sharing you show others how to draw their circle too. “May your circle be unbroken by and by Lord by and by”.
    I am thinking of all of you and sending thoughts of peace and comfort. You are not alone.

  5. May your earthly prescriptions and your prescriptions of hope work together to bring peace to Rhema. May she be protected from the side effects of the medication and only receive benefits. May the peace of the Lord fill her little heart and soul and give her calm. I am praying for Rhema and your entire family.

  6. I think the not knowing is the hardest part for me. I never know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know if anything I do will make a difference in my sons progress. But as you said … we hope and we pray and we hold on to God’s hand. I hope you get your girl back soon.

  7. I love those words ‘she is not a mystery to Him’ I love that that is true and it helps to see everything in a new light.
    A friend shared a verse with me this week when I was struggling with something and I found great comfort in it, I would like to share it with you
    Psalm 32:8
    “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
    I will counsel you and watch over you’.
    lots of love and blessings to you and your Rhema

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