While some people plan their dream homes, I dream about my OT room.
A huge room filled with sensory toys, bean bags, tactile mats, slides, swings, monkey bars, a hammock and a trampoline and a rock wall and a ball pit. For my girl. Yeah.
But the first thing I’d put in that room would be a steamroller.
Some days it’s not the lack of language or sleepless nights or missed opportunities that hurt my heart.
It’s watching her helplessly… as she runs through the house in a frantic, endless loop. Under the table, over the couch, through the chairs – she searches out the tiniest spaces through which to squeeze herself. It’s then that I get a glimpse of the turmoil inside. I see how desperate she is for input to calm her body, to handle the system overload, to relax her heightened senses.
She seeks pressure to cope with the pressure of living in this world.
In our college days my twin and I would say the pressure whenever faced with a stressful or nerve-wracking circumstance. Now, after a long day at work all I want is to see my babies, but I come home and find her here lost to me, lost to a pattern, her mind and body lost in space. I try to hug her and she reaches out briefly, but then pushes me away in frustration. I am not nearly enough.
But there are the moments when the heaviness of it all is just too much.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Cor. 4:8-9
This child shows me that pressure has a good work. That deep touch can be painful but it helps you feel again; deep pressure humbles, heals. I believe God has the greatest touch, it covers all. If so then, I want to be squished, flattened, held, steamrolled by Him.
I once read that the Hebrew word for glory means “weight”. God is so big, so full of glory, beauty, power, honor – He is heavy with it.
It’s ok if you think I’m crazy. I want my OT dream room. But more than that, I want the glory of God’s goodness, grace and character to press on my daughters, wrap them in on every side. I pray for peace in Rhema’s body.
And that He would supernaturally hug her for me today.