On the sackcloth days

Friends, Rhema goes in today for a 24-hr EEG. We don’t know how we’ll ever get the leads on – it seems nearly impossible, but she really needs this test. Also, this week she will undergo anesthesia so we can get her teeth cleaned. Thank you so much for thinking of/praying for us.

.

June 3, 2013.

Messages and phone calls from school, “She had a tough morning… began ripping materials and tipping over furniture… she was quite agitated, screaming and ripping her shirt. Instances of SIB to her head, biting on her arm”, “Had to separate her,” “She was crawling around the room and biting staff. When she was upset, I observed her shuddering/twitching – something I had not seen before. The nurse applied ice to her head and arm… after she calmed down she had a nosebleed…”

I say only what I can say, to her teachers again, Thank you and I’m so sorry

SIB. I wish for another life where I’ve never heard that horror abbreviation. Purple bruise on the head, bloody lip, angry bites marks up and down her arms. I choke on the ache, hold back tears, kiss every mark. Baby, please don’t hurt any inch of I love you.

Prayers. Lord, who do I have but you? I bring her. Please calm the raging rivers, speak peace to the storm inside

It’s too late at night for screaming, pounding and tearing. I live it but can’t believe it, the nightmare so real. She’s ripped her clothes, shredded her sheets into tiny pieces all over the floor. More deep, red marks on the mocha arms I’d kissed.

Remember the mourners? The Bible-people sitting in sackcloth and ashes, rending their garments. Why? Why is she in such grief and despair? What? What does she know? What can’t she say?

Helpless.

This is not what I wanted, I cry, for my little girl. I lift my eyes to the hills… to shake my fists.

I see only My Help, My Hope, still hear the song.

Her things and our hearts all torn apart.

But we fall on our knees, we bring her again.

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48 thoughts on “On the sackcloth days

  1. Up late again, and just received your post on my way to bed…. Praying fervently for you, friend, and for precious Rhema. May you both get some hard-earned sleep, and His new mercies in the morning.

  2. Already prayed for all you mentioned here. I just don’t get this but you are going to the right “Person” to deal with it. Loving hugs sent your way.

  3. Your words are so raw and so real…they often take my breath away and leave a huge lump in my throat. Just know you’re not alone in your struggle. Prayers for you and your family!

  4. Oh dear one, I’m so sad with you. “We were under great pressure, far beyond our abilities to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadlyl peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us” 2 Cor. 1:9-10 I love some 2 Cor. on the sackcloth days. Remember the miracle of the last time she had to go in for that test. Praying, praying, as we did last time, and believing that He is sufficient. Love you, Jeneil.

  5. Wrapping you in love and prayers for both of you. For your family. We’ve walked this walk too many times. I ache for you and wish I could fix it for her. Love is all I have.

  6. As everyone has said…..we wrap your little girl….we wrap you….your Hope…your Brandon… in prayers…..we cry with you…..we hold your little girl’s hand today…..we hold yours….the tears we shed reading your post hold a thousand prayers for your Rhema and your family.

  7. Praying for a miracle and that deep inside Rhema will understand the tests might help and that she will allow the leads to be placed. Praying for you and B and Hope as you make your way through this even rockier than usual path. Hugs to you all.

  8. I wish I’d never heard SIB, either. It is my girl’s constant companion these days– and like you, I can’t bear the angry bruises on her sweet skin. My thoughts are with you. Please know that no matter how helpless you feel, you’re never alone in this. None of us are.

  9. Prayers and thought your way to you and yours and to your precious rhema!!!! ❤ gentle hugs and loving words can never begin to heal what is not ever going to be said by your little one….just hope it helps in a small manner and hope you find peace in the heavens above and may he answer even the smallest of prayers for you

  10. Oh Jeneil, I am sending you the biggest, tightest hug possible. I wish I could be there for you. I pray that God not only holds you up but lifts you up through everything that you are going through. I pray for your peace of mind. And of course, I pray for Rhema, that God would settle the storm within. God bless you all. E-mail/call me if you need me!

  11. How can any words soften this blow.. Please know I have you in my heart. Keep yourself strong, be the best light you can. Know you have found the way before, you will keep finding the way and you will be her champion. I would load all my energy and resolve into a box and hand deliver. My little one has his challenges with his autism. Some days are heart-wrenching and sobs for both of us. He’ll be going under for his teeth next year. One second at a time. I’m here if you need me.

  12. Trying to send all the positive thoughts I can your way. Thank you for sharing the journey, even when it is so unbelievably hard.
    :=(

  13. Thank you for your courage and sharing your story. Found your blog today through Jess at Diary and I’m here to stay. Your faith is so refreshing to me. Praying tonight for your sweet family!,

  14. Thank you for all the love and prayers. What a comfort! Thank you.
    The EEG leads are currently on the head! (I think). She’s already tried to take them off… it may be another long night, but we’re up for it. Y’all encourage me.

  15. I had a dream about her last night actually. What a surprise! She was looking at me and answering questions clearly and quickly, and I remember thinking “wow, she’s changed so much from what I expected” – she and I were talking about (and this is where dreams make no sense) a pair of leggings I had on with a story about how Frosty the Snowman was actually made of pumpkins under the snow. And I asked her what she thought of that and she said it was funny, and that she likes pumpkins, and that the leggings are pretty. No hesitation, she just answered me.
    Her hair had grown long again and was very tidy and pretty.
    Such a vivid dream. Not sure why I dreamt of her after just reading your blog.

  16. Praying for your sweet girl. That is all I have to give right now, though it hardly seems enough. So many worries for your family right now, but so much faith, so many prayers are with you. God Bless. Hugs.

  17. Huge hugs to you and your beautiful family. I watched the video about your sweet little girl and she has a wonderful infectious laugh! Keep having faith and hope in that gorgeous girl and in yourselves. One day, one minute, one second at a time.

  18. I think of you all soooooo often. I don’t think a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I always wonder how things are going. I’m always hoping you are having a happy day. It sounds silly to say this but if there is anything I can do from way over here, that could help in any way, please let me know. I will.

  19. Just read this post now and am so hoping you made it through the EEG okay. And I’m praying that there will be some clarity as to how best to help Rhema. Much love to all of you.

  20. I’m so sorry dear woman. So very sorry to hear this 😦 I wish I could offer more words of encouragement, but the other readers have already said everything I would like to say. God be with you and bring you through this one quickly. Better yet, I hope the source of it is removed so that it never happens again! Much love xx xx

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