She seems to be back in that place again. The place of isolation and aggression and self-injury. Where it’s hard to cope and she’s twitchy and jerky and agitated so much of the time. I’ve studied her from head to toe, searched for clues, for anything I might be missing. I know you know every part of her. You speak her language perfectly and love her even more than me. If she is in pain, God, please bring relief. Speak words of peace into her soul. Because I don’t know what and I don’t know why. Won’t you show me how to help her?

I pray this as I dare to sit with her in the darkness, dare to upset her even more. Gently I take her arm and do what I do, kiss every contusion, every red mark and bruise – they run from shoulder to wrist, left there from self-biting. She lifts that same arm, wraps it around my neck and pulls me close, child comforting mother.

15 thoughts on “Unexpected

  1. Sending strength to you and your girl. It breaks my heart when our girls are clearly reacting to something yet they can’t find the words to let us know what’s going on so they instinctually react in other ways. Although mine has the verbal capacity to speak (most of) her mind sometimes she can’t process it fast enough and she just breaks down. It utterly shatters me. Feel the power of those around you lending support to you, to Rhema to weather this.

  2. Prayers and similar-sister understanding from here — we are experiencing elements of this as well with Joy. May all of us find that peace within, and especially our girls!

  3. Holding my baby in the dark, filled with questions, reaching out to the Lord – I’ve done this maybe a handful of times in 12 years of parenthood. But Lord, my friend Jeneil does this on a regular basis. So many dark nights, Lord. Please bless her, Lord. Hold her as she holds her baby. Give her comfort as she comforts. I pray that Your light would shine through the darkness. I thank you in advance for your grace and your tender mercy. I wish I knew how to pray like my friend Jeneil, but I know you hear me. Thank you Lord, amen.

  4. breaks my heart and although my pain isn’t exact, i know your pain and know your despair. there is strength in the empathy given through all the moms who feel just like you. take a bit of it from each of us along with the prayers and that and God will help you continue to be the Gladiator you are. We fight because there is NO OTHER OPTION. We are strong because there is NO OTHER OPTION. We love fiercely…and in return, we get small miracles that touch our soul so deeply that only we can feel it’s magnitude. hold on to that arm. hold on to that banner. you have so many behind you, beside you, and surrounding you that all feel the same. together we are formidable. alone we are weak. with God, all things are possible. 🙂

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